Help Me Harlan
on May 29, 2013 at 12:01 amChapter: Sexuality and the Modern Joyce
Characters: Joyce Brown, Sarah Clinton
Location: Joyce and Sarah's dorm room, Read Hall lobby
Help Me Harlan was a college newspaper advice column written by some affable dude that apparently didn’t run on Tuesdays. Â What ran on Tuesdays was The Sexpert! Â The only thing I remember from The Sexpert was a poor young lady asking what to do with half a hot dog shoved too up her cooter to retrieve. Â If I recall, the response was “it’ll probably eventually dissolve???? also be careful shoving food up your cooter.”
do not use this advice i am running off of fifteen-year-old memories and i know very little about cooters
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Is that girl’s eye in the last panel glasses or all-white eyes?
That’s Joyce. Poor, poor Joyce.
She will never be the same again.
Now. Imagine her smile with those eyes.
S M I Z E
Soooooo, are we ever getting back to that previous storyline? No, we’re just going to skip ahead and pretend it never happened? Okay.
…Was it all just a dream?
everyone got all mad at joe, the end
And all was as it had been.
I’m confused by the idea of Sarah running to stop Joyce rather than running to laugh at her.
I’m confused that Joyce was surprised by this. Aren’t they in the second semester now? Shouldn’t this have happened weeks ago?
third or fourth semester. This is Sophomore year
Maybe Joyce just recently started reading HmH?
I don’t think hot dogs disolve in cooters. Cooters are not saliva.
Rotting is similar to dissolving. Only with more necrosis. In the vagina. :<
Man, I hope you’re NOT remembering The Sexpert’s response correctly. ‘It’ll probably dissolve’ is transparently terrible, terrible advice…
Yeah. While the vaginal cavity is acidic, it’s not that acidic. If it were, sexual reproduction would be impossible. Think vagina dentata, without the dentata.
You’re welcome.
*singing to the tune of Hakuna Matata*
Vagina dentata…what a wonderful phrase…
Vagina dentata – ain’t no passin’ craaaaaze-
(If you had vagina dentata, you could just chew it up?)
Never in a million years did I think I’d be cracking up at a Vagina Dentata joke.
On a webcomic site.
For those who don’t remember or never encountered Queen of Wands…
Well hello there, Queen of Wands! Are you going back into my Favorites bar? Yes, you are! I’ve missed you these years we’ve been apart.
So then these reruns were not a waste, after all!
“eventually” as in over the course of many years???
…so it’s like the Sarlacc Pit??? (Or my timely responses?)
I’m baffled by the line of thinking (or… not) that leads one to write in to a newspaper advice column looking for solutions to that sort of problem. Especially if it’s not a daily advice column. I mean, just the time lag. What do you do for the days between when you write your letter to the paper and when they actually publish a response (assuming they even do)? Just walk around with half a hot dog shoved up your cooter?
“You’re kind of walking funny today.”
“Yeah. Hot dog in my cooter. Waiting for the newspaper to tell me how to get it out.”
(Also, I think this is the first time I’ve ever used the word “cooter” to refer to anything but that guy from the Dukes of Hazzard. Not the term in use in any of the necks of the woods I’ve lived in.)
Cooter is also a word for several varieties of snapping turtle.
The first time I ran into the word in either the turtle or vaginal sense was about 10 years ago when the Daily Show did a feature on a Cooter Festival some town held annually, and…well.
It actually brings up the question of HOW exactly would you get it out? I don’t really know, but would the girl have to push it out like she was birthing? How would they begin the process if it’s that far up?
Corkscrew
Pushing would probably be the easiest way, if it’s not stuck somehow. (TMI) I’ve had to do that with tampons before, and it really isn’t that hard. Giving birth is only hard because babies are so big.
If that doesn’t work, it’s probably time to go to the hospital where they have tools to deal with that kind of thing.
For the past year year this strip has puzzled me, as I had none of the context provided here.
I just guessed that Joyce was being brainwashed and assimilated as a new member of the hive mind fanbase of whatever she was reading.
The past year year? Year²?
what in the balls
I believe ‘what in the cooter’ is more appropriate. XD
“The Sexpert” sounds about as accurately named as “Fox News”.
I’m pretty sure one could find some good advice on how to deal with that wiener online, with an appropriate web search.
Any volunteers to add that search to one’s history?
I tried looking up wiener stuck in cooter, but all I found were Dave Willis comics.
According to wikianswers:
Squat. The vagina shortens when you squat and it would be easier to extricate the item. This also works for tampons. It would also help if, when you are squatting, to place a kaiser roll underneath
Searched and found this: Not advice, but an anecdote with resolution: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=9131
TL;DR: The resolution was to go to the emergency room.
Oops, that should have been a reply to http://www.bringbackroomies.com/comic/help-me-harlan/#comment-7594
I wish I had gone to your school,,,,,,, hahahahahaha,,, geeze.
Originally posted:
December 8, 1998