Pastor Luke
on November 22, 2016 at 12:01 amChapter: Missionary Position
Location: Joyce's parents' house
Huh, I’d forgotten about “Pastor Luke”! I wonder if Luke is the first name of the guy I drew into Dumbing of Age. I only gave him a last name! *digs up that strip*
Sure. His full name is now Pastor Luke Landrum. So say we all.
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TRUE FAX: Everyone legit loved the youth sermon b/c it was like ten minutes and we got to go home early.
(I do mean the elders in that “everyone”)
Joe isn’t! Jews don’t have a hell! We’re not even 100% sure we have an afterlife!
When Joe says “Hell”, he means “a fundie church too early in the morning where he has to give a fifty-minute talk about a mission trip that never happened to a country that doesn’t exist for a girl that he’s getting nothing but mediocre kisses from”.
Who needs a lake of fire when we’ve got Jewish guilt?
This is a sitcom plot in the best way.
Fifty minutes is a long time to talk in front of a large group of people when your story is bullshit. I wouldn’t be able to do it very well.
Step 1: find a generally war torn and impoverished part of the world where Americans don’t know geography and can’t fact check the country name.
Step 2: Speak about the sad lives of stereotypically “native-y” people whose misery makes the congregation feel smugly compassionate.
Step 3: ?
Step 4: Profit!
Alternatively, cross worlds briefly and ask Joyce’s DoA brother what missionary talk he used to get his congregation to pony up money for his nice car.
…i can’t believe joyce’s brother is secretly an alien fighter and missionary work is his cover story.
You’re forgetting abductees have superpowers!
Maybe Joe could use his abductee power to build a B.S.-o-Mat to give the talk for them?
(My fingers automatically typed “B.S.-o-Mary”.)
I don’t think Joyce’s flying would be all that useful here, but her huge friggin’ cannon might be.
Originally posted:
March 6, 2002
Lying, in a church, to the congregation about a fake marriage, for nearly a hour… I’m sure it’s frowned upon. But Joe after sleeping with a hundred women I don’t know why you’re worried about that now.
Just run away already.
She roped you into this without asking you, anyway.
Were your sermons really 50 minutes? How long were the full services? In the (Lutheran) church I grew up in, service was around an hour, only 20-30 mins of sermon. And as a child I thought that was interminable. (Children were excused from sermons, but being the quiet type I usually just sat there and drew on the kids’ bulletins. But even I’d have been antsy after 50 mins of that!)
The Pentecostal church I went to growing up would do about 45 minutes of music, 45+ of sermon time, and then altar call/more music for another 30 minutes to an hour (depending on how much “the spirit was moving” aka how successful the worship team was at stirring up the congregation into an emotional frenzy). It was…exhausting. Which is why I spent most of my teenage years teaching Sunday school instead of attending service.
Ha ha, I love the look of misery on their faces.
Donald Trump said the same thing the morning of November 9th. What a coincidence!